My Testimony

I’ll place my hope in you, for you know what is best for me before I do. You see me as I am, my redeeming qualities and my faults. Clearly, I am imperfect yet you love me despite. 

We are not meant to be turned away, believing we are doomed. There is only one thing that is true in this world and it is the love of Christ. Love prevails through fights, heartbreak, sickness, betrayal, and even death. Stop and take heed of my words: Love conquers all of that. It is the truth and everything loses in comparison. What proof do I have of this? I, once shadowed by depression found no solace in what was promised to bring happiness. I fooled with men, cursed those who hurt me, and sought my own justice to make right only to discover the pleasure morph into self disgust. “You just can’t keep up with this fast life. You’re weak and you will always be weak,” you might say. When will you see that you are weak too? You consume the false pretense that you have to prove something to yourself to be satisfied. How awful! You cannot live your life believing you are your own. We are sinful creatures that cannot be relied on for peace. Can you see the truth about yourself? Believe and you will see. We are imperfect and this is only made right by the only real perfect love there is. I was never mine and following the truth instead of my own beliefs has healed me. It is not too late for you.

Forgive Yourself

I don’t know what went on from Point A to Point B. I wonder what happened to you for you to be so lonely. You won’t accept any help from people that try to help you, insisting that you are fine when anyone who really knows you knows that things are not fine. Not even close. It’s like you want people to get to know you that don’t know you because it would be nice to have friends. Yet you hide yourself away as soon as things get really enjoyable. You fear the worst and refuse to believe that it will last. You believe that this person will see how insecure you are and will decide for themselves that you are too much to be friends with. 

So you play the disappearing act. You vanish, leaving people wondering where you went. You say you’re busy with other things when really, you’re in the house too busy hating yourself. What a vicious cycle. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it had to be this way. Nobody deserves to feel as alone as you feel no matter what they have done. And yet, our lives are so intertwined that we don’t see who cares about us. Loneliness makes us self absorbed that way. You’re so used to being by yourself your world becomes too small and you forget what how other people work. Oh, I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m just saying this can be fixed. If you’re so insistent that you are to blame, forgive yourself and carry on. Forgive yourself and others. It gets easier with time.

Fragile

When glass falls, it is like a slip in time, suddenly, but surely, it will crash. What beauty comes from the fragile, a luminescent piece suspended in its place. A careless tip from any direction, why even bother with crystal? Perhaps it would be more practical for plastic. Cheap, decent, and easy care. No need for worrying about protection. Not a loss when it is gone. Yet how captivating it is that I begin to wonder? One glass vase brings out the ethereal feel of flowers given during times of regret. It accentuates the hues without losing the delicacy of itself. Already beautiful, making what’s in it more dazzling than before.

Mother

You wanted to party and have fun,

To play, dance, sing kareoke.

When I was a child I hardly saw you in the mornings,

You slept in from your long night’s work.

You were attracted to the trends on TV,

While I stuck to muted colors of black, grey, blue, and white.

Your social media was filled with notifications,

While mine had an occasional buzz.

You left the clothes for two weeks,

And complained when you finally had to clean the heavy load.

You bought candy from Longs,

Ate them on your bed at night while you watched the Filipino channel.

My grandma had to teach me how to be a woman,

“Your mom is hardly home and she does not teach you, so I will teach you,” my grandma said.

With her, I learned to wash dishes,

Sweep and mop the floor, cook basic foods,

Fold clothes, dust the house, wipe the counters, and more,

just about anything my mother should have taught me.

I wonder if my grandma had not been there,

that I would have been devoid of nurture completely?

While my mom partied with her friends,

All I wanted was for her to stay home and be my mother,

To care for her home and her family,

To make sure things were running smoothly,

To stroke my hair when I was hurt,

To wait on me when I was sick.

Why did my mother think she could do whatever she wanted?

I didn’t have to read a bible to know a woman’s place.
Now that she visits church with me,

she’s stopped trying to be the “cool mom,”

She bakes me pastries and sandwiches ,

She cleans without a frown on her face,

No longer nags but helps the home run smoothly,

She was deprived of God, 

But now that she learns she can finally help me.

All These Pretty Things

Fruity pebbles, flowers, bohemian dresses, calligraphy,

I still don’t know what this means.

How did we get this far, to make Jesus a product?

Rather than educating people,

We throw out bible verses

as if that’s the only thing useful.

Seems as if Christians look the same on social media,

Acting the same, dressing the same, content is the same.

Daily dose of inspiration, cool bible verses, pastel colors, cute outfits,

Am I the only one that thinks we lost the real meaning?

Jesus isn’t that simple,

It’s a relationship that we should seek.

It’s a relationship full of everything on the spectrum.

Happiness, anger, sorrow, shame,

He sees us for all that we are.

The word saves, but tell me what the word means.

Don’t hide behind pretty things,

Tell me something real.

Finding Love

How do I love in this world? How can I manage to love unconditionally in a place that is not heaven? I suppose the only way I can answer that is that it was never about me. There is nothing I can do to prove my worthiness to God. I became Christian because I no longer wanted to live for myself. I was tired of fighting of nothing. There was something greater than me that had to be worth it and he found me. He was the love that knew how to love me fully. You love unconditionally because he loves you that way. You are the shining example of love that reflects others back to him. It was never about ourselves; it was all about him. Love is forever, the only thing that stands the test of time. Have faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love.

Appearances

Stop putting so much emphasis on looks,

it isn’t all that.

What’s going on in your head?

I bet you know something.

Look past the designer shades, plastered makeup face,

salon manicured nails, towering heels,

logo inscribed handbag, extra polished clothing.

Appearance isn’t a skill.

If you insist on the importance of appearance,

perhaps your heart is in design?

Everyone’s good for something,

don’t let them convince you otherwise.

There are lots of wonderful things to do,

don’t waste your time on insignificant things.

You’re more than stuff,

You’re a human being.

The media is noise, something hard to ignore,

But truth will always be golden.

You’ve got a God-given talent that can change the world,

unique to you, yourself, and you.

Perhaps you’re socially gifted, a flexible dancer,

a detailed mechanic, a number cruncher,

a knowledgable fact checker, a strategic gamer,

a convincing salesperson, a great photographer,

a musically inclined individual, an imaginative storyteller,

a strong weightlifter, or the most efficient homemaker.

Everybody’s got something and if you don’t,

you just haven’t found it yet.

Forget the “look,” but take good care of yourself.

If you have dry hair, put oil,

if you sweat often, change your shirts more often.

Be who you want to be, but be a good person too.

A smile helps in many ways,

It brightens up yourself and the room you’re in.

Bring out your best features,

Don’t fool yourself with what you don’t have.

There are too many things in the world to distract you.

Society will give you fast food, reality TV,

drugs, shopping malls, fast cars,

but these prevent you from changing the world.

Guard your heart, for whatever you do flows from it,

Know that only the mediocre choose to conceal with appearances.

It is hard being a girl,

to be constantly judged and attacked for what you look like,

but hold tight to your identity in Christ,

he knows you better than anyone.

Stick to your guns,

be humble, be strong,

Your value is immeasurable in the eyes of Him.